Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
