Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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