11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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