i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
