not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
