last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize