dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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