I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
