I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
