I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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