Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
