My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
