my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Boobs are out for the taking
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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