well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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