Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize