Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Holy shit dude........stairs
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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