he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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