I just threw up on my dentist
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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