Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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