Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
