My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
