i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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