3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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