It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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