New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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