i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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