Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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