I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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