so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
