I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
