If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He felt like a one man threesome
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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