Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
