Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Are we still banned from the library?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
