dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
