I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
