If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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