I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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