just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize