We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
