All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
