just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
