I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I understand Curling. That high.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
