I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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