My liver just broke up with me...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
