I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
