Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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