shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
