I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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