What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
