I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
