Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
