my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
