You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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