Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
