Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
this boner is exhausting
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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