Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
