...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
