My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
